


The Perils of Tony - in Fanfiction Land

by Ytteb



Category: NCIS
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 07:07:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18987724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ytteb/pseuds/Ytteb
Summary: What happens if the characters rebel against the fanfiction writers?





	The Perils of Tony - in Fanfiction Land

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jane_x80](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jane_x80/gifts).



> This story arose from reading jane_x80's latest story which is tagged for angst and hurt/comfort (among other things) and has Tony as the hero - you'll get the idea that he doesn't have an easy time in the story!
> 
> It made me think about the things we do to our favourites - and how they might feel about it. 
> 
> So this story is for jane_x80 with thanks for all that she writes about Tony!

Special Agent Tim McGee approached Special Agent Tony DiNozzo’s desk cautiously,

“Morning, Tony.”

“Probie.”

Tim weighed his options: on the bright side Tony wasn’t tweaking his hair obsessively using a motivational CD purloined from Tim’s desk as a mirror.  On the less bright side … well, pretty much everything really.  He cleared his throat, there was no point in delay.

“Got you a coffee, Tony,” he said in what he hoped was a tremor free voice, “With hazelnut creamer.”

“Thanks, Tim.”  Tony decided not to give voice to his misgivings for the moment.

“Er … how many hairs in your shower drain this morning?” asked Tim.

Tony’s suspicions grew, “What’s going on, McTremulous?  You hate it when I tell you how many hairs I’ve counted.”

Tim straightened his shoulders as he remembered his military heritage, the ranks of proud McGees who had served their country bravely.  He would not let them down,

“Um, I had an email from jane_x80 …”

“Oh, God …” groaned Tony.  McGee thought the colour had all drained from his face.

“She’s thinking of writing a story …”

“Ohhh,” the moan was even more heartrending this time.

“And I want to know how it is that you’ve got an author actually asking permission before she writes about you,” said Tim somewhat peevishly. “You know, what with you being imaginary and all.”

Tony waggled his eyebrows suggestively and grinned before looking affronted and saying, “But it’s not weird that she’s got you – another imaginary character – working for her?”

“Huh,” said Tim, “That’s a good point.  Anyway, jane_x80 said she’s got this outline for a story and asked me to run it past you.”

“No!” said Tony, “No.  No more, it’s too much.  It’s time to make a stand.  Did you see what she did to me last time?”

“Yes,” said Tim sympathetically.  He was sometimes grateful that he hadn’t, so far, attracted too much of jane_x80’s attention.

“It was …” Tony’s voice failed as he remembered …

“She thought this might be your reaction,” said Tim bracingly, “So she asked me to remind you of a few things.”

“Go on then,” said Tony in a world-weary tone.

“She always makes you really handsome …”

“ _Make_ me handsome!” demanded Tony in an offended voice, “What do you mean _makes_ me handsome?  Is she implying I’m not already the best-looking person on the team?”

“No, no,” said McGee hastily as he recognised his mis-step, “She said that she will make sure to _emphasise_ your handsomeness … you know, make sure people really appreciate it.  You know, your chiselled profile, the dimples …”

“My dimples are pretty damned special,” purred Tony, “Go on …”

“Your sparkling green eyes …” Tim swallowed his nausea at listing Tony’s attributes.

“Well …”

“And you know how she always writes about how fit you are … that toned athletic body …”

Tony ran a hand down his chest appreciatively and preened a little, “That’s true.  She does have a true appreciation of my _physicality_.”

Tim nodded a little insincerely, “And she promises to give you a keen mind …”

“ _Give_?” said Tony sharply.

“I mean she’ll make sure everyone gets to see your intellect, your insight, your …”

“It _is_ nice to be appreciated,” said Tony reflectively.

“Of course it is,” agreed Tim.

“And she does let me have a good cuss …”

“Excuse me?”

“She lets me have a good swear.  Not like that ytteb who winces if I say _damn_.  It’s good to let off steam.”

“So, I’ll email her back and say it’s OK?” said Tim optimistically.  This had been easier than he expected.

“Back up there,” ordered Tony, “I’m not saying that being appreciated for my physical and intellectual perfections isn’t nice …” he decided to ignore the rolling of Tim’s eyes, “… but it comes at a price.”

“She’s only killed you once,” Tim pointed out.

“Most people only get to die once,” replied Tony sarcastically.

“And you didn’t seem to mind much …”

“Don’t remember having much choice about it,” replied Tony stiffly.  “And anyway, it’s not so much the dying … although I’m not in favour of it, you understand.  It’s just the … hurting … she’s very inventive, you know.”

“But it’s not just hurt,” said Tim persuasively, “It’s hurt/comfort …”

“Well, I do like the comfort,” conceded Tony.

“There you are then,” said Tim bracingly.

“But it takes a while to show up.”

“But it does show up …”

“So far,” said Tony morosely.

“What?  What you talking about?”

“It’s just that … well, she mentioned once that there was a tag for …” Tony shuddered at some terrible memory, “hurt/ _no_ comfort!”

“Ouch!” winced Tim sympathetically.

“And I’m always worried that one day she’ll … well, forget to bring the comfort.”

“She wouldn’t do that.”

“You can’t say that for sure.  You don’t know these fanfiction writers – they get power crazy.  I mean, they blame it on their _muses,_ but I don’t buy that.”

“jane_x80 wouldn’t do that.  She’s a nice person.”

“Huh, I guess.  But you could ask her to …”

“Ask her what?”

“Maybe I could be a bit less brave in the next story?”

“Excuse me?”

“Well, I like being brave and all that, but I could do with being a bit less _stoic_.  You know, refusing to take painkillers, working through the pain …”

“I could ask her,” said Tim dubiously.

“And,” said Tony more optimistically, “She could work it in – you know how people like having me loopy on painkillers.  A bit less stoicism and a lot more loopiness – she could be on a winner!”

“So, you’re on board?”

“What do you know?” demanded Tony.

“What do you mean?”

“Why did you ask if I’m _on board_?  Does she plan some sort of _lost at sea_ scenario?  Or is she sending me to be agent afloat again?  ‘Cos I don’t want to be cooped up somewhere at sea.”

“I’ll tell her that you’re not keen on a watery story.”

“Do that!  And I don’t want to be drowned either … you know, I sometimes wish that writer had never come up with the plague story line … all those stories with my lung issues …”

“You know they’re popular,” said Tim soothingly.

“I guess.”

“So I can tell her that you’re on board … I mean, you’re OK with her going ahead?”

“What’s she going to do with my head?” asked Tony suspiciously, “Oh, God, she’s not going to do something with _inside_ my head, is she?  ‘Cos psychotic episodes and mental breakdowns take it out of me, you know.”

“I don’t know what she plans.”

“And is she going to keep me … well, intact?”  Tony shook his head as he remembered a particularly dark episode.

“She hasn’t told me what the next story line is.”

Tony’s sparkling green orbs gazed pensively across the squad room and he drummed his long sensitive fingers on the desk, “No, I can’t do it,” he said finally, “I mean, I know all the competentTony fans out there will be disappointed but I don’t know if I’ve got it in me anymore.  I’m exhausted, Tim … mentally drained … I think she’s broken me,” he added pathetically.

“I understand,” Tim almost cooed, “And jane_x80 thought this might be your response.  So she said to remind you …”

“What?” Tony turned his expressive eyes to Tim with a hint of apprehension, “What did she want to remind me of?”

“She usually makes you rich.”

“That’s true.  And she does dress me well.  And even when she doesn’t, she still makes it clear that I make all clothes look good.”

“Yeah, sure.  And she usually brings out a hidden talent …”

“That’s true.  She gives me _hinterland_.”

“She doesn’t give you a big butt,” protested Tim.

“Hinterland, McAuthor, is one’s personal background, one’s personal depth, one’s …”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it, she makes you interesting.  I mean,” he went on hastily as he remembered his previous mistakes, “She makes people recognise how interesting you already are.”

“Better, Probie.  Better.”

“And she makes people like you,” said Tim encouragingly.

“Except for the ones who shoot me, blow me up, kidnap me, curse me …”

“Except for those,” agreed Tim.

“In fact,” said Tony warming to his theme, “Considering she likes me so much, she does hurt me a lot.”

“But she makes you better … mostly.”

“I don’t know,” said Tony, “Like I said, I’m not sure I’ve got any more to give.  I know the fans out there will be disappointed but …”

“You’re getting too old for it all?”

Tony opened his mouth for a snap response but then laughed and waved his hand reprovingly, “Oh no, McDevious … you don’t get me that easily.  And besides, I’ll never grow old – not in fanfiction land.  But I think the time has come to say no … there have been some good moments, I won’t deny that, but I think it’s time to let go …”

“She thought that might be your reaction,” said Tim solemnly.

“And she said that would be OK?” asked Tony hopefully.

“She said to remind you of one last thing …”

“What?” asked Tony apprehensively as he saw a blush form on Tim’s cheek.

“She said to remind you that she gives you mind-blowingly good sex!”

“Ah,” Tony’s crystal orbs misted over as he remembered what jane_x80 had previously provided in that regard.  “OK,” he said briskly, “I’m in!”

Tim sighed with relief and went back to his desk to email jane_x80.  Now her threat of writing a story in which McGee hated computers had been neutralised … and perhaps, as a reward, she’d write _him_ some mind-blowingly good sex!

 


End file.
